Pimp of the Year and the Trillion Dollar Hooker

September 30, 2008

By Cyd Malone

I don’t mean to start things on a downer, but at the time of this writing Congress is having trouble passing the Bailout of the Century. Forget the furrowed brows, wagging fingers, and the breathless reports on the news, Congress can barely keep from openly drooling in their excitement at this mother lode of money and power at their fingertips. This bailout is a done deal.

One trillion dollars, which comes to roughly $3,400 for every American man, woman, and child, comes to roughly $1.9 billion for every American Congressman, a sum so princely it can buy even the most incompetent, despised officeholder a lifetime of electoral success.

The whole heist is such a lay up that even its primary salesmen needn’t try too hard. According to Treasury Secretary Paulson, if we don’t fork over $13,000 per family of four as an initial down payment to Financial Recovery, Wall Street won’t be able to lend us any more money. God knows all of our debt loads are light as a feather and could use a bit more heft.

Federal Reserve Deciderer Ben Bernanke, a thoroughly decent man foolish enough to take the job when offered, revealed on CNBC that uber-investor Warren Buffet himself is all for the bailout, and if “the Oracle of Omaha” is willing to throw $5 billion down Wall Street’s insatiable maw, shouldn’t all the taxpayers be forced to as well?

But this is all beside the point, what the experts are saying — there is something deeper going on here. Congress has finally grown a spine, but not in the manner we had hoped. As even the most casual observer of America’s political system knows, it is the greatest democracy in the world, in all of history, even. Yet, while opinion polls show a clear majority of His Majesty The People ordering Congress to tell Wall Street “no!” in language less than polite, Congress has shown zero inclination to refrain from the heist, and such disobedient audacity with election season upon us, no less, is telling.

Democracy has changed America drastically since the day she was born. “Congress shall pass no law” long ago morphed into “opinion polls show a clear desire on the part of the American people”. It’s no secret that the Constitution has no bearing on modern American life; it cannot, because it was written to be the law of the land for a republic, not a democracy.

Democracy has no Constitution; its only restraint is the public opinion poll. That has been the supreme law of the land in America for a long, long time, for as long as I can remember at least, and now even that has fallen. This is disquieting; it is a dramatic shift in our political landscape. If the Rasmussen opinion polls no longer mean anything, what restraint on power do we have left? The servant has become the master.

Regardless of all that, I’d be dishonest if I failed to admit a glimmer of pride in this bailout. When Congress pulls this off it’s going to make the Lufthansa heist from Goodfellas look like the take from a 7-11 cash register. For generations to come hungry, up and coming politicians will study the methods of plunder our 110th Congress, 2nd Session used, and you’ll no doubt agree that every patriotic, taxpaying American ought to be grateful just to be a part of history in the making.

I am so proud, in fact, that I propose Congress as a candidate for the 2008 American Pimp of the Year Award, and win they will cause who else has roughly 300,000,000 hookers on staff? On the date they are crowned, which I propose to be our new Fourth of July, every American must celebrate the occasion by squeezing into our best hooker outfit, firing up the BBQ, and shaking our moneymakers until a trillion dollars fall out.

Cyd Malone writes from Wyandanch, NY and may be contacted at peloponny1 (ar) aol.com

Posted by News LI Editor · Edited by Brianna - Filed Under Society